“I Regret Going Natural !!” – My Natural Hair Journey

For the longest, I didn’t know much about black hair. The first time I knew what “going natural” was, was senior year of high school when one of my classmates walked into the lunch room having cut off all but two inches of hair. “People want longer hair, why would you cut it?” I thought to myself.

I wanted my hair long. I wanted soft and straight hair–because of course, that was beautiful hair. If you’d asked me during high school, I would never cut my hair.

So, yeah. I ended up cutting my hair the first semester of college.


It wasn’t long before I started to regret my decision. I didn’t look like the natural hair girls on Instagram. I looked like a boy. Thus, I started wearing earrings and makeup more often. Eventually, I found myself dressing more “feminine”.


Now, I have cut off all my relaxed ends and I didn’t know what to do to it. I did countless research online and asked a couple friends; even then, the maintenance was too much and hid my hair under wigs and braids.

“I am the laziest person ever, what was I thinking?”

I had to reevaluate why I decided to cut my hair in the first place.

Why did I go natural?

When asked, I blamed my decision on my damaged relaxed hair. But the truth is/was: I wanted to feel beautiful. Whether it be permed or natural, I wanted to feel pretty. I saw the band wagon of “going natural” and decided to hop on, not fully knowing what I was getting myself into.

But having been 7 months since my big chop, I can truly say this has been the best decision of my life. Despite the hardships, going natural has given me a new perspective on life. It has helped me evaluate my inner self. I know my hair more. I know what it likes and dislikes. I know how well it maintains moisture. I know the badass attitude it gives me when I don’t take care of it.

In addition to that, I have become more conscious of what I use on my hair, ultimately leading to how I treat my body—physically and emotionally. I still struggle with body image, but I am learning to accept myself.

And, my boyfriend does a great job helping me with that; he loves my TWA (Teenie Weenie Afro). The positivity that my boyfriend gives me makes it easier to continue on this journey.

It sounds silly but I believe there’s a correlation in my Commitment to my hair and commitment to my relationship. Prior to my big chop, I was in unhealthy relationships. However, since then, my hair has grown way more than I expected it to and it is healthy. Likewise, I am in a healthier relationship and have grown as a person.

 

Going natural may not be a big deal to a lot of people. But, if you are someone who struggles with body image and is constantly in your head, you learn to accept yourself for who you are. Your confidence level grows tremendously. Going natural is not for everyone. And it is important to know why you want to big chop before you do it or else you will regret it, like how I did.

“I just want a good night sleep”

Being home from school, I have relied on the afternoon sun to wake me up. Surprisingly, I beat it by 2 hours this morning. I laid there…dead and immobile. I felt the remnants of my last workout session throughout my body and wanted so bad to stretch it out, but I didn’t…well rather I couldn’t.

I was paralyzed, powerless to a small tingling between my legs. I got this sudden urge to hump and rub against something so I slowly rubbed my legs together hoping to satisfy this craving. But, my warm feeling quickly grew to a throbbing pulse. I knew exactly the source of this feeling. It was him. I wanted him. I sat there and reminisce on the great nights we had.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He kissed me and I explored the insides of his mouth. I couldn’t help but smile when I was with him. He moved down and took my right breast into his mouth while cupping the other with his huge hands; they fit perfectly. He tortured me with his tongue, drawing me closer to the edge every time. He’d suddenly stop and hang over me, asserting his authority while studying me with his eyes.

He turned me over and I let out a smirk when out of his sight—for I enjoyed being on my stomach. He played in my hair and provoked every nerve on my neck. Moving his lips down my back and exploring every inch of skin on my body. He kissed it, licked it, and bit it.

He loved my body. I was his canvas.

In that moment, I thought of nothing but him. I didn’t think of that extra fat on my stomach that I wanted to remove. I did not think of how much I wanted to reconstruct my entire body. In that moment, my insecurities were nonexistent. 

I was happy.

I looked back at him as he continued worshipping my body like some goddess. I could feel his finger lost through my hair as he moved forward and filled me up. He tugged on my hair as I grasp silently for air.

“Fuck you…” I thought to myself.

That day I slept the best, without uttering any words.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I was beyond the edge. I thought more about him. I desired to sleep that deep and beautiful again. One where I’m wearing only his t-shirt, surrounded by the ambient noise of his video games.

This recollection, however, was quickly distorted when I received a text message from him…😏

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